I have been gone for a while, but I am back now, a knew man. Here: my story.

Hello wrold.

Things have been serious for me for the past 1 year and month. If you are easily shocked, please, be ready for the reality of what has happened to me.

The reality of what has happened: Kidnapped, me. A victim, me. Changed for the better, me.

Many of you will be thinking, how? What? Where? By whom? For what purpose?

And I am ready to answer all of your Q's. Here. Now. And for the record.

Chapter 1: The Dirtiest Deeds

As you know, the last post showed what I was doing before I was 'napped. My wive and I, together, in lust, in connection and in real, deep, honest love forever and ever.

A moment of connection between me and my wive.

Everything was going well until I handed out my anniversary present (Me telling her that I would be there for her).

I BRB'd myself from our anniversary hut, and got an empty Black and Decker box where I placed a small Hallmark card (pic below), with the following note:

"Hey,

Really been having fun for the past years, just wanted 2 let u no that I'll be there for you.

From, Joba"

I knew she would like it, I knew she would melt, I knew she would give me a big kiss on my lips!

Little did I know that she had something else in store for me with that sweet kiss.

A 'napping.

Chapter 2: The Scrumptious Truths of Solitary Confinement

I gave her my gift and next thing I know I wake up in a dark room. The room was quiet and I was alone, scared, and wet.

I had a pain in my side, and a heart filled with sad tears.

This is a pic I took of myself during my most vulnerable state.

There are a few things you learn when you are dealing with a hard time:

1. Be strong

2. Love yourself

3. God

4. Just, relax, ok? Christ...

______________________________________________

1. I was trapped in a dark place for a long long long long time (1 and one quarter year). No food, no friends, nobody to tell me stories.

So yeah, I got strong. Oh yeah I got strong. And I've never looked back since.

2. Most people ignore how important it is to be in love with yourself.

After a long time in a dark room, I can tell you how much I love myself: just, a lot.

When I realized that the dark room I was in was the janitor's closet of a Wienerschnitzel fast food restaurant, I realized how intelligent I am. When I figured out where the door knob was, I realized how quick I am to come up with solutions. When I gave myself a hickey on my arm to simulate romance during my period of isolation, I realized how good I am at intimacy and also at quick thinking.

See, how could I not be in love with myself.

Next thing I learned.

3. God.

With prayer and other things like prayer, like worshipping, and also other things that are similar to all of that, I found and learned about my God.

Look, I am not going to preach to you. But listen up: I found God.

Just me here, not much to explain. Oh yeah, totally praying :P

Next.

4. I learned a lot about how to relax.

___________________________________________________

Having been kidnapped and put into a janitor's closet at a Wienerschnitzel near a major highway was really a life-changing experience, as you can see.

Where I lived for 1 and one quarter year.

But there is more that happened while I was gone that I know you want to know about. So here it is:

My wive and I are divorce

My son has moved to a Spain

My home from where I lived before is now a Lucille Roberts gym (Yes, I am a member).

Thats it.

And because I always love to leave you with a fun image (that is also thought-provoking),

I thought it would be most appropriate to show you a celebration pic after I was found:

Dear friends, Kale (left), and Baxter (right) and myself (central) celebrating my return at a beach event.

Get ready for my Life N' Stuf Blog blog posts in the coming months and weeks.

Celebrate your life,

Celebrate yourself,

Jobå

The L Word (not the televsion programme), and what to give to a sensual lover on The Special Night

Dear wrold,

as I type my words to you, delight flows through my fingers into my body. Delight that comes from two sources: one my lovely wive, Junkey (seen below)...

This image depicts my wive with a strong desire in her eye

Another source of delight comes from knowing that I have a very strong base of fan populations from around here and everywhere, too.









A real fan, Ken Pepperman, sent in this computer-art depiction of Life N' Stuf Blog supporters from around our world.










Today is a good day for this, and it also happens to be my 9 anniversary with my wive!

As today approached, I became nervous. I would wake myself in the morning to find a urination in my bed, a sweat on my forehead, and a nostril filled with pesky stress hairs.








A just-for-fun image I found while doing an Alta Vista search for my stress-related urination.




I scoured the internet for relief, but found it in an odd place. Right here! :P :D ;) :) (lol! :):) )

I read through some of my posts from years and years and years ago; shedding tear, laughing with a jovial spirit, and dancing like Ellen Degenerate on her show (most of her shows provide inspiration to me as a man).

And I realized that all I had to do for my wive was be there for her. Do you know what I mean? It was so simple, all these days thinking of what I had to do, and it was there all along! LOL!

But I knew I had to deliver my news (that I would be there for her), in a way that was of the utmost appropriateness. I asked my son.




My son.












My son said it would be best to be honest, and just say it to her in a very straight-forward way (that I would be there for her). And so I did.

You want to know what happened? Stay tuned to find out :) :) :) :)

Joba

Happy New Years! How to kick of the knew year with love, romance, and sensual luxuries.

Hello wrold,

How is live?

I know it has been a long time since I have spoken to you, but please: let me explain.

I have been vacationing around the golden globe! I went to Morocco

Here is a picture of some of the delicious delicacies that I ate. I ate all of this myself. I felt like a real African!

After Morocco I went to Mongolia, a destination that has always tickled my taste-buds with exhilaration, curiosity, and gentle vibrations.

I was guided by a lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely woman named Jii Jarr.

She was just, she was proud, she was lovely,

and she was very excitable!

Jii Jarr really likes worms, and she can sometimes be caught napping with them at all hours of the day. Once, I saw her dangling a worm around her neck like it was some kind of scarf. What a delight and humorous image!

This is Jii Jarr. I love her with my hole heart.

We shared a sensuous Mongolian oral massage after a night of drinking fine Mongolian wines and riding mongolian stallions off into the steppe.

My next destination was one that was very exciting to me. I knew it was going to be fun. I knew I was going to have a blast. I knew I was going to be a nice person for this trip and that it would be fun for me to have this time there and also to be enjoying it at this time of year was a great thing to think about at the same time, so it was pretty incredible the amount of nerves and also just the sheer exciting factor about it all that was great.

My next stop: Moon.

Fun on the moon. Look at the planet behind us, so fun! So fun for me!

The moon was a really pleasurable event for me, and I think I'll do it again soon.

Goodnight and sleep well.

-Joba

The Death of a Friend and Maritime Traditions

Hello wrold?

I have sad news for you.  Many of you have been calling me on my cellular asking about my whereabouts; you ask me questions about my health.  Yo

u ask me questions about my feelings.  You ask me sensual questions of notable w

orth.

I have answered them all half-heartedly.  Secretly, I have been hiding a secret sadness from the wrold. 

My good dear familial friend Reginald died recently from a bad canker.

Debbie "Reginald" Mumford.  

Born: Frebruarry 28, 1999 Die:  May 1, 2009

At Reginald's funeral I gave a nice eulogy; I decided I would incorporate some recent tools from speech class to give a nice effect:

First let me identify exactly what I wanted to do with my speech:

1.  Prevent tears.

2.  Stop sadness in its sad tracks.

3.  Prevent sniffles.

4.  Put smiles on their faces with a gentle caress (with words or otherwise).

Tactics Employed:

1)  Shadenfroida

I decided to talk about some embarrassing things in my life to prevent people from crying at the funeral.

Did it work?  Yes.

At first I talked about my comical mishaps with flax seed powder.  Have you heard of the flax?  If not, research.  If so, read on compatriot.

My good dear friend Len-Glena preparing a mixture of orange water and flax.

As you may or may not know I suffer from EIBS  (Easily Irritated Bowel Syndrome).  

JK (nope, I am serious!  <-- Humorous device)

After talking about my bowel for a good 29 minutes I moved on to a topic that was sure to please: Tots and Toddlers.

I talked about how I once mistook a Toddler for one of those "little people", as they liked to be called (I read a book on it).  This caused laughter and the prevention of tears in the crowd.

2.  Humor

I decided since it was a dark time I had to do something a little racy.  I prepared a large physical comedy gag for the funeral that was sure to please.  I climbed atop the podium and stripped partially nude.

This is what I looked like!

Me preparing for the physical comedy gag.

Thanks for the reading!

Love always and forever,

Your friend and confidant,

Joba!

Visiting Family Friends in the East-Coast

Hello wrold!

Well as you probably know I recently went on a trip for pleasure to the big Apples, that is right folks, The New York City!  I went to Tim's Square and all the rest!

I ate at a wonderful Bar-B-Q restaurant and made sure to see the one true love of my live:

"The love of my live"

 There were some aspects of my voyage that left me scared, scarred, and saddened.  I was surprised by how unfriendly many of the city's tenants seemed to be, to me!

Can you believe that?  A foreigner in their own city and they have the gall to insult me with their vulgar words!

But this is nothing compared to what happened when I was aboard a "Subway Train" in this city.

I was standing next to a vertical pole on the "Subway Train" and I look over to my right and there I see a man committing a wild and vulgar act!  Aboard a public transportation device!

I won't describe exactly what he was doing, but I will say that I am lucky I escaped before he began to publicly urinate!

I ran to the corner of the Subway where I stood, tears rolling down my bearded cheeks.

Upon my arrival at the destination, I told my story to an attendant, she seemed to not understand me and instead decided to eat a large hamburger and sing aloud her rendition of Beyonce Knowles' R & B smash hit "Single Lads".

By this point, I was a mess.  I was flustered, sweaty, crying, and my beard was disheveled beyond belief!  

Here is a picture of what I looked like:

But, after that breakdown, I moved on.  I received some guidance from a good friend named Jakyi.  She helped me cope.

With wishes,

quiches,

fishes,

and, of course, brishes,

Jobá

Where have I bean? I will tell you where I have bean?

Hello wrold.

First I must apologize to you for my extended absence; forgive me.

Things have been very hectic for me lately, my boy Chet has been doing fencing all weekend and my girl Donna has been singing her heart out at the local competitions.  Needless to say things have been hectic.

With the economy the way it has been, my life has been also a bit hectic.  I have been very conservative with my money spending, but it has been hard.  My dog choked on a link of sausage two weeks ago, please, don't be frightened:  he was fine, physically.

However, on the inside: it was a completely different story.

My dog was suffering from CPTSD  (Canine Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Emotionally, Psychologically, and spiritually, my dog was ailing.   Needless to say, this has made my life a little bit hectic.

On the other hand, live has been nice.  I visited a good friend who has been having some hardships lately.  Pasqual has been really feeling the recession lately, needless to say things have been a bit hectic for this individual.

Pasqual is an odd man sometimes, my friend.  I question whether or not I should share this odd event with my readers, but it is just too juicy to let slip away.  I am going to give in to my guilty pleasure and reveal an odd event that occurred between me and Pasqual.  Pasqual requested an odd favor of me the other day, but I thought nothing of it.  This individual asked me to stuff pillows with bitter greens; my pal told me that he possessed an interest in sleeping atop these pillows (apparently it had been a long time dream of his).  I told him the greens would wilt, but alas Pasqual was having none of my quiet consultations.  I quickly stuffed his pillows with the bitter greens and vacated his home.  

I left wondering about my friend.  This is what I get for being friends with so many eccentrics!! 

LOL!!!

There was something odd about the entire event, something that really just got me thinking.  With all of this thinking, things have become really hectic for me lately with all of this stuff going on in my life too as well as the other things that are happening with me.

Once again, I would like to say to my readers: I am sorry.  This post is very late.  Frogive me?!

Cheers!

joba

The Two Gifts that Should Be On Every One's Shopping List: Medical Food and LLS (Lappie Learning System)

Hello wrold, how is your live?

Today's journal entry is going to be quick, subtle, sweet, and supple.   I am here to tell you a little bit about your Holiday Wish-List for dear family friends.

So I was recently browsing my online malls looking for a gift for my good dear friend Brine.  She is very much into water-sports and she is a fiend with her outdoor Weber grille. 

"This image depicts Brine (right) and a mysterious woman (left)"

 

I knew that Brine enjoyed sitting on laps and she also loved learning new things.  I knew I had to incorporate the two in order to hit a grand-slam with my friend.  I decided to do some investigative web surfing.  After stumbling upon a couple PG-13 to X Rated sites regarding the sometimes sensual connotation of "lap sitting", I found the G-Rated version that I had been searching for.

I found the LLS: The Lappie Learning System.  The Lappie Learning System was designed by genius Deboruh Crunj, a professor at the Fun Tun Tun Institute for Advanced Learning Software.  After reading her brave biography, I knew about her craving for sitting on a good lap.

I knew her tendency to learn.  I finally knew that something special was up Mrs. Crunj's sleeve. 

"This is an image depicting Deboruh Crunj"

Crunj's technique is one that incorporates many many different fields.  The "Crunj Technique" is influenced by cultural anthropology, Freudian psychology, orthopedics, and Tibetan oral traditions.  During one of her 1.5 hour sessions, Deboruh takes you to a secluded park where she sits you upon her warm and luxurious lap.  She strokes your hair and whispers the course material longingly into your ear.  She often times incorporates humor into her subject matter, and it is alright if the student does jiggle in her lap, perhaps out of laughter.  At the end of the session Deboruh sings a song of folklore and magic which sends the student to a dreamworld of creativity and learning; once the student is in full trance Professor Crunj lightly taps the rear end of the student popping them off her lap into the fresh park air.  A job well done!

I immediately bought 2-3 sessions for my friend Brine.

Oops, looks like I am out of time.  Perhaps I will write about my other gifts later.  Perhaps not. 

With love,

Mysticism,

Animism,

and Zoroaster's wonderful spirit,

Joba